Fathers, do not exasperate your children.

As a father of three children, I often struggle with this verse from Ephesians 6:4. "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord." Where is the right balance between bringing your children up in the "training and instruction of the Lord" and disciplining them on the one hand and being overbearing in my attempt to discipline them on the other? What is really meant in the command, "Fathers, do not exasperate your children"?

Much of what I am writing in the rest of this blog is taken from a sermon by David B. Curtis of Berean Bible Church of Dublin, OH (Reference: http://www.bereanbiblechurch.org/transcripts/colossians/3_21.htm). Berean Bible Church is a nondenominational church that is Bible-centered, reformed, orthodox in theology, and Presbyterian in church government. (I am not a member of the church by the way, but have found the sermon instructive.)

First, the command means that fathers play an important role in upbringing of the children. Unlike what some feminists may declare, children raised without a father do much worse in the society than those raised with a father. Human fathers are to exemplify the relationship that our heavenly Father has with us. Our heavenly Father loves us unconditionally and in fact demonstrated His love for us while we were still sinners by sending His only begotten Son to die on the cross for us (Romans 5:8). His love did not just stop there, but He continues to love us through all our failures and shortcomings. As a father to my children, I must demonstrate such love, so that they will know that no matter what the circumstances may be, they can count on me to love them. Our Father in heaven is faithful and is forgiving, when we confess our sins (I John 1:9). Likewise, I must be forgiving to our children, when they turn away from their mistakes. Not only seven times, but even seventy seven times (Matthew 18:22), or even more. Our Father in heaven also knows our needs and always provides for us (Matthew 6:25-34). As a human father, I must provide for my family or be God's instrument in providing for the family.

Second, the command is for fathers not to exasperate the children. This word "exasperate" has also been translated as "embitter", "provoke", "irritate", or "excite in a negative fashion." This is clearly something that happens when the human father is not acting in likeness of the heavenly Father and is misrepresenting the image of the heavenly Father. Elder Curtis offers some examples of when a father may exasperate his children:

1. when the father or parents are overly "protective" with far too strict rules that cannot possibly be kept (and that the parents themselves could probably not keep when they were children). Such over protection communicates to the children that they are not trusted by the parents.

2. when the father has no standards or applies them inconsistently, thereby providing no guidance to the children, who then feel insecure and unloved. (This is the flip side of #1 above.) The children are to be brought up in the training and instructions of the Lord. Such upbringing must start from the early childhood. "Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it." (Proverbs 22:6)

3. when the father refuses to listen to what the children have to say or, worse, neglects to spend time with the children. The children may then feel unloved and unimportant and may develop a deep-seated resentment.

4. when the father fails to show affection both verbally and physically. This discourages and alienates the children.

5. when the father sets unrealistic goals for the children, sometimes in an attempt to achieve something vicariously through the children. They may become frustrated and unapproved.

6. when the father shows favoritism, whether knowingly or unwittingly by comparing a child to siblings or friends. Jacob might have frustrated Joseph's brothers with his favoritism for Joseph. Isaac and Rebekah each had a favorite son, Esau and Jacob, who ended up becoming each other's enemies.

7. when the father is overly critical, not constructively critical. According to Elder Curtis, Haim Ginott, the famed child psychologist, wrote: "A child learns what he lives. If he lives with criticism, he does not learn responsibility. He learns to condemn himself and to find fault with others. He learns to doubt his own judgment, to disparage his own ability, and to distrust the intentions of others. And above all, he learns to live with continual expectation of impending doom" (Between Parent and Child [New York: MacMillan, 1965], p. 72).

8. when the father's "discipline" is excessive, with verbal abuse -- saying things that he would never say to anyone else or saying things out of anger.

9. when the father indulges the children, giving them whatever they want. Instead of gratitude, such indulgence may rather create a sense of misguidance and resentment.

Third, the result of exasperation is the children becoming discouraged (Colossians 3:21) (Greek word "athumeo"). When exasperated, they may become disheartened, dispirited, and broken in spirit. Rather they need to be encouraged and built up. In the church, we are to encourage and build each other up (Ephesians 4:29, I Thessalonians 5:11); how much more should a father do so within his own family, towards his own children?

As Elder Curtis points out, when fathers realize that they have failed this commandment and they cannot keep it on their own, but are in need of God's grace, that is precisely where God wants them to be -- where the fathers fall on their knees and seek God's help and grace. I am right there. Lord, You are my heavenly Father. Although I should have been a good reflection of You in my relationship with my children, I have often failed. In fact, I realize that I have often exasperated them and sinned against You. Forgive me and help me to be a better father, a better reflection of You. In Jesus' name, I pray. Amen.