Fathers, do not exasperate your children.

As a father of three children, I often struggle with this verse from Ephesians 6:4. "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord." Where is the right balance between bringing your children up in the "training and instruction of the Lord" and disciplining them on the one hand and being overbearing in my attempt to discipline them on the other? What is really meant in the command, "Fathers, do not exasperate your children"?

Much of what I am writing in the rest of this blog is taken from a sermon by David B. Curtis of Berean Bible Church of Dublin, OH (Reference: http://www.bereanbiblechurch.org/transcripts/colossians/3_21.htm). Berean Bible Church is a nondenominational church that is Bible-centered, reformed, orthodox in theology, and Presbyterian in church government. (I am not a member of the church by the way, but have found the sermon instructive.)

First, the command means that fathers play an important role in upbringing of the children. Unlike what some feminists may declare, children raised without a father do much worse in the society than those raised with a father. Human fathers are to exemplify the relationship that our heavenly Father has with us. Our heavenly Father loves us unconditionally and in fact demonstrated His love for us while we were still sinners by sending His only begotten Son to die on the cross for us (Romans 5:8). His love did not just stop there, but He continues to love us through all our failures and shortcomings. As a father to my children, I must demonstrate such love, so that they will know that no matter what the circumstances may be, they can count on me to love them. Our Father in heaven is faithful and is forgiving, when we confess our sins (I John 1:9). Likewise, I must be forgiving to our children, when they turn away from their mistakes. Not only seven times, but even seventy seven times (Matthew 18:22), or even more. Our Father in heaven also knows our needs and always provides for us (Matthew 6:25-34). As a human father, I must provide for my family or be God's instrument in providing for the family.

Second, the command is for fathers not to exasperate the children. This word "exasperate" has also been translated as "embitter", "provoke", "irritate", or "excite in a negative fashion." This is clearly something that happens when the human father is not acting in likeness of the heavenly Father and is misrepresenting the image of the heavenly Father. Elder Curtis offers some examples of when a father may exasperate his children:

1. when the father or parents are overly "protective" with far too strict rules that cannot possibly be kept (and that the parents themselves could probably not keep when they were children). Such over protection communicates to the children that they are not trusted by the parents.

2. when the father has no standards or applies them inconsistently, thereby providing no guidance to the children, who then feel insecure and unloved. (This is the flip side of #1 above.) The children are to be brought up in the training and instructions of the Lord. Such upbringing must start from the early childhood. "Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it." (Proverbs 22:6)

3. when the father refuses to listen to what the children have to say or, worse, neglects to spend time with the children. The children may then feel unloved and unimportant and may develop a deep-seated resentment.

4. when the father fails to show affection both verbally and physically. This discourages and alienates the children.

5. when the father sets unrealistic goals for the children, sometimes in an attempt to achieve something vicariously through the children. They may become frustrated and unapproved.

6. when the father shows favoritism, whether knowingly or unwittingly by comparing a child to siblings or friends. Jacob might have frustrated Joseph's brothers with his favoritism for Joseph. Isaac and Rebekah each had a favorite son, Esau and Jacob, who ended up becoming each other's enemies.

7. when the father is overly critical, not constructively critical. According to Elder Curtis, Haim Ginott, the famed child psychologist, wrote: "A child learns what he lives. If he lives with criticism, he does not learn responsibility. He learns to condemn himself and to find fault with others. He learns to doubt his own judgment, to disparage his own ability, and to distrust the intentions of others. And above all, he learns to live with continual expectation of impending doom" (Between Parent and Child [New York: MacMillan, 1965], p. 72).

8. when the father's "discipline" is excessive, with verbal abuse -- saying things that he would never say to anyone else or saying things out of anger.

9. when the father indulges the children, giving them whatever they want. Instead of gratitude, such indulgence may rather create a sense of misguidance and resentment.

Third, the result of exasperation is the children becoming discouraged (Colossians 3:21) (Greek word "athumeo"). When exasperated, they may become disheartened, dispirited, and broken in spirit. Rather they need to be encouraged and built up. In the church, we are to encourage and build each other up (Ephesians 4:29, I Thessalonians 5:11); how much more should a father do so within his own family, towards his own children?

As Elder Curtis points out, when fathers realize that they have failed this commandment and they cannot keep it on their own, but are in need of God's grace, that is precisely where God wants them to be -- where the fathers fall on their knees and seek God's help and grace. I am right there. Lord, You are my heavenly Father. Although I should have been a good reflection of You in my relationship with my children, I have often failed. In fact, I realize that I have often exasperated them and sinned against You. Forgive me and help me to be a better father, a better reflection of You. In Jesus' name, I pray. Amen.

The weaker partner

After God created Adam, He said, "It is not good for a man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him." (Genesis 2:18). Taking a rib from the man, God created a woman. Adam called her "bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh" and gave her the name Eve (Genesis 2:23). Thus she became the first wife. This accolade was short-lived, however. After eating from the tree of knowledge of good and evil, Adam blamed it on his wife, who tried to shift the blame to the snake. As punishment, Adam was to toil the soil all his life and Eve was to be ruled by her husband. Thus began the often uneasy relationship between the husband and wife. Even though the spousal relationship was meant to foreshadow the relationship between Christ and the church (Ephesians 5:25-33), husbands have never really loved their wives as Christ loves the church. Nor have wives respected their husbands as the church would look up to Christ.

Yet it is in the self-interest of the husband to love his wife. First, the wife is really the bone of his bones and flesh of his flesh. Loving her is the same as loving himself (Ephesians 5:28, 33). As the weaker part of his body, she is indispensable (I Corinthians 12:22). Without her, he is not whole. With her glorified and beautified, he is honored. A wife of noble character is her husband's crown (Proverbs 12:4).

Second, the husband's physical well-being depends on his wife. The husband and the wife really belong to each other. "The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer." (I Corinthians 7:4-5). The pleasure and joy of the earthly life depends on a harmonious relationship between the two. The husband is to "rejoice in the wife of (his) youth" (Proverbs 5:18).

Third and perhaps most importantly, the spiritual well-being of the husband depends on how considerate and respectful he is towards his "weaker partner". Without that, his prayers will be hindered (I Peter 3:7). Without a healthy relationship with his wife, his channel of communication with God is blocked. His prayers would not be answered. God emphasizes sound earthly family relationships, in order to have a sound heavenly family relationship. One is not excused from having to honor his parents, even for a "devotion" to God (Mark 7:9-13). Anyone who does not love his brother cannot love God, either (I John 4:20-21, I John 3:10). Likewise, anyone who does not take care of his wife will be hindered from praying to the Lord.

God has given my wife to me as a weaker partner to protect and to cherish, to keep as my fountain of joy from the youth (Proberbs 5:18), to remember Christ's love of the church by, and not to be alone without in my journey to the heavenly home. She is worth far more than rubies (Proverbs 31:10), because she is a gift from the Lord (Proverbs 19:14). Amen.

The gift of tongues

One of the "envies" that many Christians, including I, have felt at times is that of someone else who has received the gift of tongues. No matter that it is the last and maybe the least of gifts of the Spirit that Paul lists in his letter to the Corinthian church (I Corinthians 12:28). It is nonetheless one of the most compelling and telling gifts, as if it provides evidence of the Spirit working in you. All the Apostles and the others who were praying together in the Upper Room of Mark on the day of Pentecost received this gift (Acts 2:4), which was the first manifestation of the Holy Spirit working in them. When Cornelius and his household received God's words delivered by Peter, they too received the Holy Spirit and began to speak in tongues (Acts 10:45-46). Even though Paul asks rhetorically "Do all speak in tongues?" (I Corinthians 12:30), many Christians who have not received this gift cannot help wondering "why not me?"

But what is the big deal about this gift of tongue?

Paul wrote that he spoke in tongues more than others (I Corinthians 14:18) and implied that there might be tongues of men and tongues of angels (I Corinthians 13:1). There certainly seem to be multiple kinds of tongues.

The gift of tongues in Acts 2 was not the same kind as the gift of tongues that Paul refers to in I Corinthias 12 or 14. In Acts 2, Apostles who spoke in tongues were not only intelligible, but also were understood to be speaking in the native tongues of many peoples from many nations -- 15 listed in Acts (Acts 2:4-11). This was a reversal of what happened at the Tower of Babel (Genesis 11). In the plain in Shinar, people were building a tower to reach the heavens in rebellion against God and were scattered so that they could not conspire against God. In Jerusalem after Pentecost, on the other hand, the Holy Spirit was bringing His people back together through the Apostles speaking in tongues that were intelligible to all, so that they may now repent and be reconciled with God.

What happened in Acts 2 has not been (recorded to be) replicated ever since. Whether tongues of men or of angels, it seems that one who speaks in tongues is generally unintelligible, because he "utters mysteries with his spirit" (I Corinthians 14:2). In fact, in praying in tongues, he edifies his spirit, but his mind "is unfruitful" (I Corinthians 14:14). That is, the words are unintelligible even to himself, unless he receives the gift of interpretation, which he should pray for (I Corinthians 14:13).

Why then is this unintelligible utterance a gift of the Holy Spirit? Why is the Spirit pleased to hand out the gift to some/many of the Christians? (I Corinthians 12:11). The gift of tongues certainly has benefits. In praying in tongues, one speaks to God and utters mysteries to his spirit (I Corinthians 14:2). One gets to pray what God wants him to pray and thus according to His will. The "work" of praying becomes much easier and enjoyable. In the process, he edifies himself (I Corinthians 14:4) and, if there is interpretation, he can also edify the church (I Corinthians 14:5). Receiving the gift of tongues will aid in my own spiritual edification and growth and in my communication and fellowship with the Lord. For this reason, I need to feel no shame in "envying" for this gift and asking for it. Even Paul says that he "would like every one of you to speak in tongues" (I Corinthians 14:5). The gift of tongues, though the least of the gifts, is like the most basic of the gifts that I should seek. Then with interpretation added, I may get a glimpse of what the Lord has in mind, what He wills for me, what He cares about, ... Oh, what a wonderful gift! It is certainly a big deal!

Lord, I seek this gift of tongues. I want to be able to fellowship with you better. I want to pray in spirit in accordance with what Your Spirit wants me to pray. I also want to understand and interpret, so that I may praise and pray to you in spirit and in mind. Lord, grant it to me. Amen.

When I am weak, then I am strong.

Having had a myocardial infarction and two angioplasties with six stents and going through a cardiac rehab program, I am made all the more aware of my own weaknesses and frailties. Though I have been moving about as if I would live a thousand years, in actuality my life hangs on a little clot or lack thereof. If a clot were to develop within one of my coronary stents, I would probably have another MI and may even die. If God were to snuff out a smoldering wick that is me, then my days on this earth would instantly come to an end, but He does not or has not (Isaiah 42:3).

But I am comforted by Paul's confession that he will not boast about anything except his own weaknesses (II Corinthians 12:5), because when he is weak, then Christ's power may rest in him and he is made strong (II Corinthians 12:9-10). By tradition, it has been said that Paul was short in stature and suffered from chronic eye ailments -- what he refers to as a thorn in his flesh (II Corinthians 12:7). Though he wrote forcefully and powerfully, he was not always eloquent in speech, but "timid" (II Corinthians 10:1, 11:6). Yet through this weakling of a man, God chose to inspire nearly half of the New Testament and to proclaim the gospel to the Gentiles of the then-known world around the entire Mediterranean (Acts 9:15, 22:21, Galatians 1:16, 2:8-9).

God's power and greatness has always been manifest, without dependence on man's strengths. God chose a man named Abraham, who was "as good as dead", to produce a multitude of descendants as numerous as the stars of the sky and as countless as the sand on the seashore (Hebrews 11:12). When Gideon gathered Israelites to go out and fight the Midianites, there were initially 32,000 men. God said, "You have too many men for me to deliver Midian into their hands. In order that Israel may not boast against me that her own strength has saved her, announce now to the people, 'Anyone who trembles with fear may turn back and leave Mount Gilead.' " (Judges 7:2-3). After all those with fear left, there were 10,000 left and were still too many. After a test at the water, only 300 men were left and considered few enough to fight the Midianites and Amalekites who were as "thick as locusts" and whose camels "could no more be counted than the sand on the seashore." (Judges 7:12). Of course, the result was a resounding victory for God and His chosen 300. When David went out to fight Goliath, David was "only a boy" whereas Goliath was "a fighting man from his youth" in Saul's assessment (I Samuel 17:33). Yet this mere boy, going out in the name of the Lord Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, struck down Goliath, a champion over 9 feet tall, and cut off his head.

As the heavens are higher than the earth, God's ways are higher than ours and His thoughts higher than ours (Isaiah 55:9). God's way of accounting is vastly different from and superior to ours. When Jesus saw a great crowd coming toward Him, He tested His disciples by asking how they would buy bread to feed the crowd, numbering 5000 men and probably as many women and children (John 6). The disciples' way of calculating led to an answer that they would need 8 months of wages or 200 denarii to buy enough bread for everyone to have a bite. Jesus' way was to see what was already there -- 2 fish and 5 loaves of bread -- and, after giving thanks, to distribute it to all those who were there. Everyone had as much as he or she wanted and there were still 12 basketfulls of left-overs. God wants to work through us, not because He needs us or what we have, but so that He can declare His majesty and omnipotence and He wants us to see it and believe in Him.

I am weak and barely amount to a smoldering wick and bruised reed. Yet I can rejoice and be confident in the knowledge that in my weakness, God's strength will be manifest and His power may rest in me. His grace is amazing and praiseworthy. Amen.